"We're charter members," claimed Bjorn, a tech from across-the-pond, "been working with the stuff for ages."
"Same here," asserted Jack, a DBA from Kansas, "You'd be surprised how fast this thing scoots around in first gear."
"Exactly," said Bjorn, "Those who master the roads in first gear are actually better off. You run at a speed that gets you around but not fast enough that you accidentally run into things."
"So it's a safe speed?" asked the interviewer.
"Indeed," said the pair, almost in unison.
"So what happens when you take it for a spin on the highway?"
The two glanced at each other, then to the interviewer, looked down or elsewhere and then one at a time eventually answered.
"Highway driving is problematic," said Jack. "We'd rather stay on the city roads."
"Yes, city roads," Bjorn agreed, "No need for the highway."
The Director of Integration watched the interview on video and made a smacking sound against his teeth, "Pathetic. We bought the car to drive on the highway most of the time. These guys are acting like a couple of children who are scared of the Big Bad Freeway."
"Well, it has too many lanes in it," smirked his assistant, "If they go on the highway, they might actually get somewhere."
"What's that logo on their shirts?" the Director noted, "Zoom in on that -"
"It's FGA," said the assistant.
"Is that a misspelling? I thought the machine used an FPGA?"
"Oh no, that's correct. It's the First Gear Association. But now they call themselves the First Gear Society. It's way past a club. Now it's a philosophy. Or maybe culture is a better word."
"You mean they actually run around justifying why they stay in first gear?"
"It's almost like a discipline sir," grinned the assistant, "They have rules and protocols for their followers. It's cultish if you ask me."
"I didn't ask you."
"So what are some of these so-called protocols?"
"Well for starters, they can't stand deep-metal. It's like garlic to a vampire."
"But deep-metal is - " he sighed, "Never mind, just keep going."
"If they find themselves going too slow, they try to get the machine to go faster in first gear. If they can't they blame the machine. They think that having a powerful machine is good enough. After all, a couple-hundred horsepower under the hood looks good no matter what gear you're in. And to the other chap's point. If you put it into a higher gear, it'll go so fast that it's hard to steer. They aren't very good at steering, so - "
"So it's a fear thing?"
"Not so much. They like rollercoaster rides, judging from some of their project schedules and deliverables anyhow. They like the whole livin-on-the-edge brinksmanship. As long as someone else is driving."
"Ahh, so just afraid to punch the accelerator themselves, eh?"
"They'll punch it, just in first gear. It's almost like any gears higher than that are a fearful thing."
"How do we get them into the deep-metal? It can't be that hard."
"Oh they go into the deep-metal on expeditions and stuff. They like popping the hood and exploring the architecture. But when they get behind the wheel, it's a first-gear-only driving experience.""Perfect."
"So tell me what to look for in a First-Gear-Society member. What can I expect?"
"Here's a short list," the assistant accessed his handheld and pulled an image onto its screen, showing it to the Director.
"Let me see if I understand this -"
Common symptoms are:
"We were doing just fine until a week or so ago, then everything started to slow down. Jobs are running a lot slower, we're missing all of our deadlines. Has the hardware worn out?"
"We just added some functionality to the solution and two days later the whole machine started to drag. We backed out the solution but the machine is still dragging. I think we broke something. There's a problem with the hardware."
"The machine is having a hardware problem. We've been running these applications for years and then one day everything slowed down. We upgraded to a bigger machine and we didn't get any lift, but a few days later things got worse. A lot worse. This is clearly a hardware problem."
"Wow, they think it's the hardware when they haven't even taken it out of first gear. Amazing."
"Here's the punch line - they honestly believe that they can get more power from the machine if they learn to steer it better."
"No kidding. Take a look at these quotes:"
"We reworked the logic in the queries to tighten things down. Every time we change the query, we get a few percentage points difference in performance, but we need a multiplied boost, like 10x or better."
"We put in summary tables to make things go faster but it didn't help. We have query engineers tightening down the queries so that the join logic is efficient."
"All of our query-tuning has failed. We are at a standstill."
"See all that? They really believe that they can make it go faster from the steering wheel. Like the machine they are sitting in is not the source of power."
"How do we convince them to take it out of first gear?"
"Not sure that there is a way, sir. They are so accustomed to believing that the steering wheel is the place to affect performance that they haven't bothered to examine where the power-plant actually resides."
"Under the hood."
"That's right, the power is in the hardware. The steering wheel can only direct the hardware to the right location, but cannot affect power."
"Well, they can certainly steer it poorly."
"Oh sure, like driving it through mud and all that. But that brings up another issue. Some of them like an extreme challenge, so rather than taking it out of first gear, they try to make the machine go faster by making the gears grind."
"Sure, a grinding gear just seems like it's working hard."
"But they don't see that the friction of the grinding is slowing them down?"
"Not in the least. Look here:"
"We built our tables to provide fast back-end data processing, but the distribution we use for back-end processing doesn't work so well for reporting. Every time they issue a query, it's terribly slow. If we copy the larger tables to another distribution, it makes back-end processing slow but the reporting fast. We can't seem to win here. So we're going to keep the distribution for the back-end and then find a way to build something else for the front end. They want us to make two versions of the big tables, each on different distributions. The experts tell us that this is common and the best thing to do, but it sounds crazy to us."
"See that? They don't even listen to the experts. They would rather grind the gears."
"But all they are saving is disk space. I mean, seriously?"
"Old ways die hard. They would rather preserve disk space and incur the wrath of the users."
"Or preserve disk space and then build-out a convoluted set of summary tables that is twice as hard to maintain."
"Yep, the simple, dumb photocopy of data into another distribution is just too simple. They have a need to engineer."
"Engineering in first gear is not really engineering. It's more like polishing the stick-shift."
"Here's another quote:"
"We have a lot of complex views, and those views join to other views. I've seen EXPLAIN plans for this hit fifty to one-hundred snippets deep. Netezza returns this stuff fast all the time. Only now it doesn't anymore.
"Ahh, so their underpinning tables finally reached a tipping point."
"Yeah, this is funny. They add a ten pound weight to the trunk of the car every day and three hundred days later, and 3000 pounds heavier, the car is starting to run slow. Imagine that."
"Running slow because they have it in first gear."
"Well of course, if they were to use a higher gear, all that weight would be practically weightless."
"Funny how the density of deep metal is a lot like anti-gravity."
"Well, the competition sees these things happening and they say, you know, with that particular vehicle, the more weight you add, the slower it gets. It's just the nature of the machine."
"But that's not true on deep-metal."
"Not at all. We know folks who have tons and tons of weight on the machine but it's light as a feather."
"They're using higher gears and the deep metal together."
"Absolutely. Nobody from the First Gear Society is allowed in their shop. They know better."
"Well that's a problem with nested views. The master query attempts to provide the filter attributes but if the nested view doesn't pass them along, the underpinning tables end up table-scanning."
"And as you know, Netezza is the best table-scanner in the business. It can scan tables, really big tables, in no time flat."
"But it's not supposed to be scanning the tables. It's supposed to be using the zone maps and filter attributes so that it doesn't have to scan the tables."
"Well, exactly, but the people in first gear don't know this. They can't really tell that their queries are getting fractionally slower with each passing day. Then one day it reaches a point of no return. Sort of like how rust slowly clogs up a pipe until one day the pipe just closes over. It doesn't happen in a single query or just because we added a new table or two. It's pervasive and pandemic across the entire implementation."
"I bet when they hear that, they go insane."
"Yeah it's because with any other machine, remediating something like this would be very hard and tedious. But with Netezza we can remediate it incrementally and get more lift with each change. It's just not hard to recover the capacity if you know what you're looking for."
"I think the bottom line is that a really powerful machine tends to hide inefficient work."
"Or like one aficionado put it: Netezza can make a really ugly data model look like a super-model, and can make really bad queries look great. They just don't realize that the ugly models and bad queries are sapping machine's strength like a giant parasite."
"Ugh, now there's a visual I can live without."